Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Insomnia sure is swell

You know what is more fun than sitting awake at three o clock in the morning when you are trying to sleep?

EVERYTHING

No really. Nothing, absolutely nothing is worse than not being able to sleep when you want to. I know you are all really interested in this. Honestly, I would be riveted if I were you.

I just thought I'd share that with you.

On the plus side, coming up in the next few days will be some (hopefully) interesting content:

I will share my bridal show escapades - nothing is crazier than being an event planner during wedding season (twitch)

A guest writer will share a crazy story of her own, which is always fun. She is a close friend of mine; so you know her story will be good!

And of course, another dirty-sounding word of the day!

Since I don't have a dirty-sounding word for you right now, you will just have to settle for an actual dirty word.


...................


penis

Friday, January 2, 2009

Speaking of talking dirty

Today's dirty sounding word of the day is:


cockchafer


Also known as a may bug, or beetle.



I can not wait to use this word in everyday conversation!

"Oh look, there's a cockchafer on the window." "Yes, that's a cockchafer right there!"

The possibilities are endless! I have no way to express the awesomeness that will follow you when you use this word.

It's like the bastard word-child of ridiculosity and pervertedness.

By the way, how is it that my computer says cockchafer is in fact a correctly spelled word, but the word "doesn't" is actually spelled wrong?

Right.

cockchafer cockchafer cockchafer cockchafer

There's nothing wrong with talkin' a little dirty

I was reading another... (sigh) blog (man, I just really despise that word) that I really quite enjoy, called The Raw Deal, and cam across a great post, geared toward good girls who are a little too shy to be bad.


The post was about talking dirty (yes, you read that right) and why it's okay for girls to do it.

this is a quote from Luis (the author) himself:

"I have had the privilege of being sent this book to review, which you can find at http://www.dirtydialogue.com/ebook.html. The title grabbed my attention immediately of course. But as I began to read the content inside, I began to realize the genius behind the idea. The introduction kept my eyes glued to the pages. Why? Because it states exactly what is wrong with people and their perception of sexuality today:

Everything you’ve ever learned about your sexuality is a
lie.
At least in terms of “right” and “wrong,” that is.
What’s “right” is that we’re all human beings. What’s
“wrong” is that our sexual nature is governed by outdated
social scare tactics, which force us to deny who we are
inside.
Especially women."


Anyway, you should all check it out because it's really interesting, and, if nothing else, gives you another reason to use lude language.

And honestly, what is more fun than that?

Check out the Raw Deal post, and here's the link to the book again http://www.dirtydialogue.com/ebook.html.

Have fun talking dirty!





Tuesday, December 30, 2008

From now on....

I'm going to have a dirty-sounding word of the day.

Why?

Because nothing amuses me more than being able to use a dirty-sounding word in every day conversation that confuses people.

Today's word is:


futtock



A curved piece of wood that makes up the bottom of a ship.




My, Those futtocks are great! I haven't seen futtocks like those since I was very young.


I amuse myself.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Alpha, Beta, & Omega- a little bit about boys

So you've all heard of Alpha and Beta males. Or maybe you've only heard of alpha males. Well, I'm here to tell you a little more about it.

Basically, these are the three types of guys: Alpha, Beta and Omega.

The Alpha males are the "leaders" of the pack. They are usually the loudest, suavest, blah blah blah. They think they're the shit, and they are usually right. most girls are attracted to them because they seem to be the most powerful. If you want to find a pack of guys, seek out an alpha male- others will usually follow.

Beta males are often mistaken for Omega males. Beta males are the "second in command;" but only after being tested. They are usually the next-most attractive, and tend to have the best personalities. They tend to harbor some resentment towards the alpha males, and are generally more sensitive.

Omega males are the forgotten category- most people think of Beta males. Omega males are kind of like the bottom feeder of the social hierarchy. They are self deprecating, usually the most drunk, and are generally sloppy or unattractive. They go one of two ways: either they are are annoying and obnoxious, or they are super nice and will do just about anything for you.

Now, the interesting part- how to snag any of these guys!

Alpha males are easier than you'd think to get; sometimes it's a little pathetic. All you have to do is smile at him once, then ignore him and talk to (or dance with) his friend for a good 10-15 minutes. Then, when the friend's back is turned, show some sort of gesture towards Mr. Alpha- wink at him, blow him a kiss, flash him your best come hither stare- then go back to ignoring him. Flirt with the friend, but flirt with Mr. Alpha when the friend's back is turned. Then, when the friend has to go away for moment (to the bathroom, to get another drink, whatever) go right up to Mr. Alpha, look him straight in the eye, and touch his arm. If you are feeling bold, whisper some thing in his ear. He'll be yours.

Why this works- Alpha males are subconsciously competing with their friends. Seriously. All the time. So when Mr. Alpha sees that you are secretly interested in him, when his friend is interested in you, it will excite him. He will think he is awesome for stealing you away- he will never suspect that this was your plan all along. The key to any Alpha male is to feed his ego when he doesn't notice it- he's used to people fawning all over him, that's why he's an alpha male. If he thinks he has to work for it, he'll want it. Simple as that.

Beta males are relatively easy as well, now that I think about it. Personally, I prefer beta males. (The actual definition of beta males, not the perceived definition.) The simplest way to a beta male's heart is to let him know you want HIM. Tell him how you think his Alpha friend is obnoxious, how you wish you could meet more people like Mr. Beta, and so forth. Even shoot a few disgusted looks at the alpha friend. Pay close attention to his body language- he'll be shyer than the alpha, but he'll still let you know he wants you, even if subconsciously. Just keep paying attention to him, and showing disgust to the alpha friend; you'll be golden. Don't show too much disgust openly, though, make it subtle. They are still friends. You just need Mr. Beta know that you prefer him.

Why this works- Beta males are really just alpha males who were pushed off the top of the pyramid, so to speak. By repairing their wounded ego, you give them what they really crave. It's pretty simple. They will get to feel like the big man on campus, and will get to laugh at their alpha friend, who they resent. It's a win-win for Mr. Beta!

Omega males.... all you have to do is pay any amount of attention to them, and they are yours. This works because, well, all the other girls are paying attention to the alpha and beta males! They are usually the quickest to buy you a drink, as well. Just be careful with omegas, as they also tend to be the hardest to get rid of... Hence why I'll never dance with another ginger in Canada.

good luck ladies, and let me know if you've got anything to add!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Why I'll never dance with another ginger in Canada

Really? I mean, really?

Today, I am going to share a lovely story with you all.

A few friends and I went to Canada over a weekend. As usual, I found a decently attractive (red haired) guy to dance with (and maybe kiss a little) and got myself a few free drinks. It was a fun time. I got the guy's number (didn't catch his name though) and figured I probably wouldn't hear anything from him again. Boy, was I wrong.

That night, I start getting text messages from him. Things along the line of "You're so pretty, is there any way we could spend the night together" sort of messages. I write them off as him being drunk, and don't answer. The next day, as we're getting ready to leave the hotel, I get three more messages from him.

Okay...?

I answer them politely, and go about my day. I had a family party to go to, and work stuff to take care of. I get home later that night, and I have a message on facebook from some girl I've never heard of. Here is the progression of that conversation, and you can kind of tell what happened over the next couple of days:

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December 15 at 12:46am

hiii sorry if this is the wrong person but.. ur that girl that was in windsor last night right? do u know aaron ******?
December 15 at 1:19pm
I met him in Windsor, yes... What can I do for you?

December 15 at 1:30pm

Well just fyi he has a girlfriend (my friend). they have been in a relationship for 5 years, and im trying to prove to her what an asshole he really is. So if i were you i would be careful, because a professional lier and he does not deserve anyone. He will cry and and do anythig to try to convince you he's innocent. omg...if you want anymore info just ask!
theres a lot to say about him..
December 15 at 1:42pm
Mmmkay... I just went to Windsor to have some fun with my girls. I don't do the whole boyfriend thing because boys are scum, really. I'm not trying to, you know, start a life long relationship with this guy lol. I couldn't even remember his name until he facebooked me.

I take it your friend is Denice? He told me she might contact me, but he also told me she's his ex. Tell her that boys are stupid and she's much better off being single and having fun anyway, trust me, I do.

And to tell you the truth, if he started crying, I'd probably just laugh at him.

December 15 at 2:27pm

well if you choose to keep talking to him he will pretend to be obsessed with you and "love" you, until he gets what he wants. Hes been trying to cheat on her for the longest time and he finnaly found somone who he thinks will pay attention to him (you, no offense). he was gonna try to have denice on the side "just in case"...yea hes that selfish and evil

December 15 at 2:47pm

thank goodness i can finnaly prove to he what a bastard he really is. this has been going on for so long its redic. On saturday he told Denice he was going bowling, and he just wanted to "chill with his boys" hes sucha good lier its unbelievable. hes so fake I swear he has multiple personalitys. I think he was with his friend Chad on saturday and together they like to go on craigslist.com and look for the best deal on hookers. Windsor is also a place they go to do that kinda stuff to you know the "massage" places that are open all night? yeaa...ur probably laughing at all this drama right now b/c its so rediculous, but seriously poor Denice she needs to move on. Theres so many other awful things hes done but ill just stop here. good luck
December 15 at 2:53pm

people never change,its in his heart, just protect yourself
December 15 at 3:21pm
Ewww, they have hookers on craigslist? lol.

Dude, don't worry he's the one who needs protecting, I'm the wrong girl to try this stuff with. I like to go to Windsor, find a few guys to dance with, drink a lot, and just have a fun night. We go up about once a month and do the same thing every time. We even try to see who can get the most free drinks.

He has already started the whole being obsessed with me thing calling me hun and texting me and stuff, which I've got to tell you is pretty fucking annoying.

I know you want to prove to your friend he's an ass so I'll tell you this:

We did kiss (damnit), we danced together, he bought me a couple of drinks (score!) he texted me that he wanted to "spend the night with me" (too bad I was was dancing with a deliciously tall dark russian named Juran, ha) and he said he wants to meet up with me some time over break. (haha yeah right)

Anyway, I'm sorry about your friend, I hope she sees the light. Don't worry about me, I'll do the same thing I always do: humor him for a day or two, and then never talk to him again. Really, like I said, I didn't even know his name. My friends and I referred to him as either the redhead or the ginger for the rest of the night. I know you've been talking to my friend Ania, and I know she feels the same way.

If you girls ever want to go and and have a good time in Windsor, drop either of us a message.

Remember this:

The word Virago was the original name for the first woman (eve) in the latin bible.

It also means a strong, brave, warrior woman. We are meant to be this way.
December 16 at 12:30pm

omg girl thank u for being so honest, ill let her know so she wont be in the dark anymore.
December 16 at 12:56pm
I do want to make one thing clear: I don't sleep around, I have morals. I don't hook up with random guys. I just know what I want, and I take it.

December 17 at 7:34am

Omg now he's telling Denice he still loves her and begging her to take him back. But then I think he's still trying to talk to you. What a loser. Just thought I'd let you know.

December 17 at 7:36am

Omg now he's telling Denice he still loves her and begging her to take him back. But then I think he's still trying to talk to you.and he's saying everything u said was a lie, and he's never met you! What a loser...wow, Just thought I'd let you know.
December 17 at 11:38am
You guys have way too much drama for me to deal with. This is the message I just sent him:

"Okay here's the deal: You are way too much fucking drama for me to deal with, aside from everything else. First we hang out for a little while in Windsor, you seem like a cool guy, whatever.

The next day, you're girlfriend's friend contacts me and says all this shit to me. (And don't fuck with me, it popped up on my mini-feed that you we "no longer in a relationship AND my friend noticed that your profile still said that you were in a relationship.) Whatever. I dealt with that shit storm.

Then, because I left my broken ass phone at work, where I basically live because I work almost 50 hours a week while still going to school, you feel the need to not only call and text me 8 thousand times, and I don't know how much else after my phone died, you decide to start forwarding your girlfriend's texts to me.

What did you think forwarding your girlfriend's texts to me was going to do? Pit me against them? Be upset they referred to me as a slut? I don't care, I don't even know them.

Then, THEN, you decide to start saying nasty stuff to me because you haven't heard from me. Skank? Chelsea Cocksmith? I've heard better insults from my dead grandmother, you slimy fuck. You want nasty talk? Listen here, you cock juggling thundercunt, go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut and get your cum guzzling ass out of my face.
THAT is how you talk nasty to someone.

Then, you figure you can apologize for saying this shit, and all will be well. HA.

Do you realize that I had 10 missed calls from you in an hours? That's pretty psycho, dontcha think? And all of it before 9:30 in the morning? REALLY? That's pretty stalkerish to me.

Anyway the end of this conversation comes to this: Please lose my number, kthnxbye. "
December 17 at 12:01pm

He is PSYCHO! now hes saying somone slashed his car's tires which i don't think is true and if it is he probably did it himself. Hes a compulsive lier. I dont know what to say but sorry you ever had to meet him. I cant even imagine what his next evil plan is gonna be after this, but im pretty sure he won't stop calling you. i honestly suggest u block him (phone, facebook) thats what we're going to do.
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That is way too much facebook drama for me! The same girl also contacted my friend who went with me. This is an all true story, seriously, sitcom writers couldn't come up with this shit. I couldn't believe it.

By the way, that guy and his girlfriend are back together. See? This is what I'm talking about when I say girls can be stupid!

Friday, December 19, 2008

mmm, let's be friends.

Have you ever had that one guy.... you know the one, you keep him on the back burner because he's fun to have around when you're bored or in a rut?

Oh. Get rid of him.

Why you ask?

Because it will backfire so goddamn fast on you, you won't even be able to handle it. Chances are, this guy is probably a friend, and you've probably known him long enough that you are close enough that you would feel bad if you hurt him. (I know, right? shocker!)

One of two things will happen:

First we'll discuss number one. After a while, either a couple months or a couple years, this guy will have feelings for you. He will say something along the lines of "I like you and I think you like me too, things don't go on like this for so long without there being something there blah blah blah puke." What are you going to do? Be like, nah, I just really like making out with you. Right.

You have to be careful in this situation! Be nice to him, tell him something that will do the least damage to his ego, even if it's a lie. You can even say, "I don't really have feelings for you, I think you are just confused because we are such good friends/ we are too close, and I don't want to ruin our friendship, which will ultimately happen if we date/ I can't handle the emotional responsibility of having a boyfriend at this point, I just really need a friend/ I'm a lesbian, sorry.... The list of things like this goes on! Proceed with caution though, sometimes these will only buy you time. (Except for the lesbian thing.) After you let him down gently, find a new guy! He'll get the picture. And, if you can, set him up with someone else. That way, you guys can still be friends with less awkwardness.

Of course, even worse, number two could happen- you could develop feelings for him! If this is the case, you have a couple of options. If you really think he might have the same feelings, then tell him. Worst that could happen is that he would reject you and things would be awkward for the rest of your life. (yeah, not the best.) Or, you could stop fooling around with him, and focus on a new guy instead. (This option is best if you are confused about things, which if you are me tends to be a lot.) Personally, I think the best option is to say something along these lines: "(Friend-Boy's Name), I don't think we can fool around anymore. I'm finding I sometimes have trouble separating the physical from the emotional and I don't want things to be weird between us." That way, if he doesn't have feelings for you, he can simply opt out of it and there is relatively low awkwardness. If he does have feelings, then he can lay it out on the table with out being afraid of rejection.

If he doesn't understand what you're saying, then he's a dumbass anyway. Why do you even like him?